February 16, 2006

The Truth About Jack Bauer


Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using niether rock, paper nor scissors.

Jack Bauer brings a knife to a gun fight and always wins.

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.


When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.


Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer does not use birth control, he simply demands that you not get pregnant.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.


1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.


When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.


Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.


Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.


If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.


Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.


If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.


Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.

During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.


Jack Bauer never gets pop-ups. Ever.


Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.


Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.


There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.


When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.


If Jack Bauer lived next door to Kramer, Kramer would knock before entering.


Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.


Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.


Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.


Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "

Jack Bauer has never actually had to count to three, ever.


Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.


When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.


When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

On Sunday mornings, Jack skips church. God comes to his house instead.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.


Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the ..5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

Contrary to popular belief, Kobe Bryant did not get Shaquille O'Neal traded to the Miami Heat. In fact, Shaq asked to be traded as far away from L.A. as possible, fearing that Jack Bauer will see the movie "Kazaam" and think that O'Neal is Middle Eastern.

When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.


Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.


When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.


When Jack Bauer signs up for a free ipod online, they actually give him one.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.


If you replace "Jesus" with "Jack Bauer," the Bible makes more sense.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.

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